55

SAT🪑
Washed all the components of the espresso machine and polished the electric kettle and made myself a dirty chai latte and now I'm going to make a second, so brb —

I will wash and polish in closing as well. I'll wait to know that there is not another, even though a third would surprise me, but let's leave a door open for wherever this sunny Saturday goes. The sun warms my back as I write at my desk. In my office! I hadn't really been using my office, but then I got a bookshelf and the energy of the room changed. Wouldn't you know?

Always a second (hot morning drink?). I do love pairs. Soon two barns will be where there is one. Just across the way. A walking path shall make a bridge. Do dig opposites, like old vs. new, heaven and hell, yin-yang. Love the tension between two entities, and by tension, I mean The Intangible Third. The elixir of life is 'made' by rubbing your palms together and pulsing 'your' bubble of creation. One plus one must make more than two, or sorry, it's a waste of (our) time. Ask Mother Earth and I imagine she'll confirm.

I was recently on a date with a man who told me (and believes) that he is one of the most eligible bachelors in the music art world. Before he told me this, I already knew that I was on A Practice Date. I dated a lot in my early thirties. I had a rhythm down for how I dated then. By 'rhythm,' I mean a code of self-conduct for that time and space when I was new to Adult Dating (very different from non-adult dating (and has nothing to do with being a legal 'adult')). My sons were babies. I was a brand-new Adult with a baby face. We're older now, all somewhat wiser (still have our buccal fat), and we're in different places, meaning a Different Place. Out here doing my best to speak for the trees, I thank my lucky stars for pushing me to get my Heidi on — or what my girlness remembers about Heidi — escaped to nature, fresh air & rosy cheeks, great dairy products, a ghost, miraculous healings, etc.

I didn't plan it (this is a total aside), but I've realized that I have been gearing up for a new dating rhythm. Soooo on this A Practice Date I did that thing that Adults of a particular age (integrated confidence) do, which is to clarify what I am looking for from the get-go. I feel it's clear I'm open-minded about much. And I shared a few key non-negotiables out of respect for us both. Then, and most importantly to me, I hand-talked my way through explaining my Core Desire to be supported in filling my cup from the streaming Intangible Third that my style of making love profusely generates.

Most Eligible Art Bachelor Honorable Mention #7 seems to want a hot girlfriend to coo over his dog, walk the dog lol, and help him translate bell hooks' "All About Love" from the lunar to the diluted solar.

Befores & Afters. I was born into a twisted love dynamic. I allowed my heart to be there in that thorn bush pattern beat into me as a girl. I always could tell what sweater I was wearing when a punch came (cold house) and the pattern would sink into my skin. Patterns do do that. The allowing was true, and in that truth, I became brave. So brave that I am outside of the thorn bush now. I grew up and and sprouted out. Rhizomatic bravery on a quest to connect the dots.

. spreading . without . a . traditional . hierarchy .

Truth morphs

    Another strong indication

I realize that I am at the end of one body of work and at the beginning of another (that I have really hoped to embody since I was a teenager locked in a room without a door). 

Stuffed clams and broiled asparagus on my tv dinner tray are fuel for learning how to watch movies home alone / held still (not up and up and up again, fussing in (inherited) refusal to relax (feel feelings)). 

Allowed to hold still. Safe with sound at an audible volume. No1 screaming and pulling the cord from the wall, 2 drunk / not brave enough to know why she's so angry-scared-mean to her children. Especially me, 4 whatever reason(s).

SUN🌅
Even though I napped yesterday, I sleep deeply and the room begins to leak sun when I get that tasty not ready to wake up & don't have to Energy.

    Uncurl from my sleeping ball

        Gratitude stretches when my heart hurts

A pang means a mind's eye visual of the crusty brown leaf falling away from the budding sprout as it does that first burst open, leaving, outside in nature

☉☉☉☉
☉ ☉ ☉ ☉
☉  ☉  ☉  ☉
☉   ☉  ☉   ☉
☉    ☉  ☉    ☉
☉     ☉  ☉     ☉
☉    ☉  ☉    ☉
 ☉   ☉  ☉   ☉
 ☉ ☉ ☉ ☉
  🍀☉☉☉🍀
   🍀🍀🍀
  🍀
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  🍀🍀
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NEXT-THUR-MORN🌹

I have never been more tired in my life:

True        False

I have the space in my life to let the tired leave:

True        False

<bbtalk

68 ~ > * ) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

     🍯 ~ > * ) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We managed to turn the drive to Annapolis for a colonic into a philosophical family discussion. That Bay Bridge taking us higher. Well-mannered kids in the waiting room while Mom gets it done. I love it. The afterwards, cool and pulsing inside stays with me for hours. Nothing's too deep if it's true. Belly of my beasts. I could feel the water travel around to the end. Over and over. Cleaning house gets me off so you can imagine these five feet rinsed out and out again. You. Inspired by the allure of clean endings. Me. Going back for more, colonic. Anal loving ex-orcism right as the heart gets pumping again with a two-week fitness jump-start thanks to the generative energy of boys. Realizing how much I've worked out (of) my heart this past year. I thought I was holding still but I was growing stronger dissolving from one thing into a whole other™ Pump the wings out and up. Expanding into who we are. Or at least enough so to stay to stay the course. Endurance when growing is hott. I want to have my hottest body. These changes are taking physical shape.

Y

M

C

A one-year-old blog doesn't even capture half of It, but I have been faithfully digesting crap that comes from before this lifetime and this one to date. Getting all caught up *enough* and finally filed my taxes and dissolved Front Room Gallery, paid off the grifters and am slowly designing my studio barn / home-sex-gym-spa. I understand energetic imprints.

I believe the key hims involved with all of this will realize he's been awful in ways he always shoved to my side of the street. gIRL mess is a wrap and I will work to see what comes from the transcribed lectures in addition to my hope spark, fresh and new. The masculine cannot deflect all his garbage and pretend like he doesn't see It glowing back at him. Radio / Active / Beacon in the night sky, a pace setter for the hers. We're different in our sameness. Everybody needs love. Find where the love fits. Be accountable. Do your own work. Henceforth I  admit how hurt I was because I was brave enough to feel sharp fragments crack open, off, return to Mother Earth. Closets are gardens, perhaps fermenting heaps of What Has, or What Will. Fulcrum points of energy loops snapping shut Click a strong jawed bite as the snake eats his own tail, snakes it up his own gutt→butt. Take Itt honey.

 1" of fluff off the ends 

 callus eating booties 

 dust the baseboards 

S&M

Reflexive Thinking, 2023

 

Back in the day the girls at the nail salon um I mean the bagel place are all cooing over my nails. Can I touch them? Do you dip them? Yeah, thick, they are tools of sorts, I work with my hands. This one, shorter more square, is the packing tape peeler nail. Curved narrow pinky, this one, can scrape an ear canal. My mother would freak out about trimming nails short, cutting below the white line into pink. Show off frightened new skin. Washes her hands till her knuckles crack and bleed and sometimes she will sleep with hands lotioned up in old cotton socks. Does it have to get there? Be bold enough to label your perversions and you can keep going, keep refining, keep elevating your vices. Reset the balance of power of who is steering what and where. S&M. Sun & Moon. So-Cal & Mary-Land. Knowing that the movement beneath you is beyond you, until, not. Stroll & Make Love / Make dinner / Make your bed.

The reluctant medium is becoming much less hesitant when receiving and communicating clairvoyant transmissions. Her gift gains strength as she builds the muscles of reframing her personal narrative. Lube up a life lived in flow thanks 2 outer work—inner work. Pulse the outer through the body and watch the piles of inner organize themselves. Takes the time it takes. Miraculous when it clicks. Isn't life funny?

When I feel rushed, I weigh the difference between having momentum accrued

or 

I was looking back at pictures from my first year post-separation,
or, when I was there

Slut

fun

crying / wine

This writer named Scott

Amateur boxer, rides a mint green Vespa with glitter helmets, on and over the canals. I give him a little wind-up antique teddy bear. He walks and chimes together cymbals. He gives me a vintage basket purse. Basket With A Lid — that was important to him. Inside was a silk robe. He called all the plays before they were made, and then stepped out of the way. I thought I was sad.

All sorts of misplaced stuff works its way out, which is why I find it so terrifying when people plug right back in. Missing piece and off they go, plugging. Makes me queasy to see their work get piled on top, but that's why I am working on the anger. My anger. I am angry about

He used to run me a bath and read to me. Huevos rancheros for breakfast, or just juice and the paper, and self-guided Shintoism studies, falling asleep. His assistant grew up in The Dakota. He went darker when Prince died and I had black calla lilies delivered because I was working for a florist and could.

Stay in touch and fancy lunches for birthdays. Time and space and pace yourself when you are changing everything. Not saying be alone, but don't not be. Why postpone it, entangle another, work stacked on top?Though if they're entangled with you, right now, they're also in it and that = an exponential equation that won't be avoidable, forever.

Came back

Think, reflexively

The pattern will jump around, crashing or nimble feather feet

Pat down all the embers. Fire turns to earth and from earth grows wood. Gotta ground down and grow up

Stretch & More

Spirit

&

Material

31

FUCKBOI

LovER

Magician

Warrior

King

☉

well, there R various iterations 

of documented archetypes 

of the solar expression

 

a mouthful meaning

how & why men
R

The coyote is a trickster, an adolescent, or trapped there, in adolescence.

Can you even imagine?

I nannied for a family for a few summers. The father was being investigated by the FBI for his role in a banking whistleblower lawsuit. Men in suits patrolling the yard and he's mocking the way his wife eats corn on (off) the cob. The mother believes that men never mentally progress past the age of 14. I told her I feel that way about America. All violence and pussy; violent with pussies.

14

Last spring, we found a very dead and large squirrel in the courtyard. Our investigation led us to believe that a hawk couldn't handle the weight and dropped its prey __splat__

I didn't want to deal with It. Said a gurl dadi prayer and went out. Coming close to home and I see him in my headlights. He sees me too, with the furry pancake hanging from his mouth. Thank You Coyote Trickster. I'll tell the others you killed him all by yourself. Such A Big Boy. Such a good boy wants mama to sit on his face now__

🔓

It’s a different type of settling when It works down to your ankles. That’s when it’s go time __Ready To Go Time__ Got to walk barefoot on the farm, pace the old road corridors to help my animus work his way earth-side. Get him out on this side of the frenetic tangle. He’s one cool cucumber who needed a season longer to ripen past the critical age of 14.

Skunk smell in the air: consistent

    Seeing stars in the sky: new

Solid decade with stars only in the sidewalks, jumping over them, scootering around, headed to and from to the farmer's market on Hollywood and Vine with respect. Our favorite vendor is a Oaxacan woman selling small hand-carved wooden animals. Her family makes and paints them back home. Nicest energy. She brought me back an embroidered dress once. The critters are journeying further__

The internet is up and running. I like renaming the network as a mini life-hack that sets a tone. Was waiting on the router in my car being shipped, and good news everyone... Iris and eero R here: more consistency__

This was William's, the driver's, last cross country drive. He's been a trucker for 17 years and he's only 41. He bought a car dealership in Little Rock, but plans to move it up here. Will specialize in used luxury automobiles. I love cars. I had this on a dating app once, CARS, under interests, and my girlfriend was all like You don't love cars, you love license plates. NOPE I love both. I will learn to drive stick here. Fire a gun here (sorry) and drive stick. My own roads hold the raging.

The new house wants glossy shutters. Dark green or black? Not sure, so not yet. Let's get one winter (again) under our shared belt, house.

How about this instead? I will clear the strange clumpings of junk from your garage, and pull all the weeds from your beds. I already asked the gardener to bury the front drainage pipes — too aggressive for a first impression. Goodness, and seems like years of pine needles in your gutters, and everywhere. Rake it in. Yes, that’s it for now. The gloss will crop up with whatever else is simmering as thoughts form — as thought forms alchemize.