Checked Out

Does the colonic lady use holy water
⁇
Should she

Read more »

64

from
The Ashes of Drafts
exactly 1 month ago
👣

Old Sole Sandwich of Emotional Sobriety

b-read

meet

le pain

Ro is ten and about to graduate from the 5th grade. Our feet are the same size. I looked it up, and a youth size 5 is the same length as a women's size 7. I have worn a size 7 shoe since the 7th grade. Seventh grade is the last time I grew in height as well. I was and am 5 foot, 4 and a half inches tall, although I say five-five 4 ease. Ro is 4 foot 11.

Ro is a tense, in many ways, young man. I have rubbed his feet and body since he was small; his brother's too. Ro is loudly dramatic, emotes all sorts of sounds during, then after curls in my lap where I stroke his ears like he's a kitten-boy. He's my baby. And he has always been a serious guy.

On the rub above ⌃ I used a little jar of Dragon Balm, picked up when I last saw my NYC herbalist. The packaging is way chic. Ro said his heels were what really hurt, and they often do, he'll walk on tippy toes, though I felt the knot stemming from the ball of his foot. Up and under the ball, most inside there. I massaged with icy-hot as much as he would allow before tucking him into his makeshift bed on the floor. No cots available here. Shea will do anything to sleep beside me whereas his brother likes his space. So I washed my hands to play with Ro's hair and be gentle-gentle on his ears before a night next to Shea, super kitten-like.

FOOT PROBLEMS

Fear of the future
and of not stepping forward in life.

"I move forward in life,
with joy and with ease."

You Can Heal Your Life

by Louise Hay

The night I snapped these shots ⌃ we were in Los Angeles, at a SureStayⓇ close to the boys' baseball practice park. Ro said it's called SureStayⓇ because people leave the park and say, with some sense of defeat, "Sure, I'll stay here." We stayed there to test locational convenience > all else — testing a theory for my inevitable (part-time?) return. Would-We-Could-We rent a dumpy Dingbat Apartment within walking distance of their private school in The Valley? Morning smoothies 2go and A Regular Mom wearing stretch pants? This Mom would meditate at the school chapel before the student (parents welcome) morning service. A quick power walk home carrying three dirty 2go cups. The Dingbat would have to have a pool to combat roasting alive. One thing might lead to another and maybe I would submit to being who their father thinks he wants me to be when I am being A Los Angeles Mom. Antidepressants and a desk job is doable, or it's not. I could spend my entire salary on childcare thanks to asinine school and baseball schedules.
C☸G-M☸M-I-Am.

The writer's strike was and is still going on. A group of striking writers marched outside of Television CityⓇ holding signs asking all the cars to "HONK IN SUPPORT". Much honking, next to the park and across from the SureStayⓇ, ceasing at 5:00 PM on the ⏺

HooooonK H00000nK just like the geese I saw as my first heroic dose of mushrooms kicked in. I heard these geese before I saw them in the sky. I prayed, show me you, please let me see you, as some sign "I GOT THIS". Yes, spied in a clearing through the trees, thank you. And when I looked down again I spotted a real marigold who had sprouted up inside the enclosed garden. The ⁕ had not been there in the morning. A day of the dead converging with a night flight home is pretty cool stuff.

I share energy karma with Ro. Hypervigilance like a crazy person that I forget about until it stares back at me. This is how your son feels. This is his tightness. You must work harder to absolve the root pain. The shape-shifting fire seems to jump onto the Eastern European thrifted (long) frock I wore as ceremonial garb. Real ticks climbed aboard my sinking ship (pooling).


"Am I on fire?"

"Only on the inside," answered Luar. He was night flight tripping with me as a guide. Gunshots and dog barks freaking as the light faded in the country.

We sat in a circle on his partner Lydia's land. Daughter & Father & Mother per design of the set & setting. "Lydia, do you have a fire extinguisher?" She laughs, "I'm a run with scissors gal." Grip less and surrender more to the apocalypse only after Spirit reminds me I bought menopausal Iris her first automobile fire extinguisher for any please-no hot flashes — and Iris is dutifully parked close by, at my back. "Go off," she nudges. Chemical-glazed, bug-laden. All of me and everywhere putrid. All the bugs killed from pesticides. My embroidered hemline smoking. They said I held myself as still and quiet as anything.


I scheduled 🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄 before my last boy-time visit in Los Angeles and imbibed after, a weepy heap exhausted with carrying panic everywhere I go and back and forth all year. Feeling poisoned by 1 place and seeking the antidote in the other, but that cannot be right or is it? Put it down, for Ro. Sabbatical midterms in the Virginian backwoods. I passed and get to go for 126 more days.

2 Sandwiches I Enjoyed A Lot

On My Latest Boy-Time Visit in Los Angeles

despite the heavy backpack labeled PANIC

1.

Cold Meatloaf Sandwich

@ Clementine

cheesy meatloaf

sliced and topped with caramelized onions

iceberg lettuce

and our special 10,000 lakes dressing

on country white bread

$17.25

2.

Spiced Tofu Banh Oui

@ BANH OUI

crispy marinated tofu

chickpea spread

pickled carrot

daikon

cucumber

cilantro

mint

scallion

kewpie

pickled Fresno chili

served on a French roll

$13.00

P.S. Ro graduated wearing a beautiful medium blue suit with a pale blue shirt that we picked out together, and navy Vans size 6! purchased with dad. He said Vans run small, so they're the size equivalent to Nike's size 5 1/2, and his dad got him a fresh pair of those too. Ro has already packed them for his summer with me and Shea in Maryland. Gorgeous barn cat-boys.

u can heel ur life

60

⏾

In my early thirties, when I was living through my only divorce twice, anyone I fucked I instructed split me in two. Crack me open I used to purr and they all did try their best. And then one day I met a boy who's pain matched mine.

    Click

was a girl (mess) all over again

I had impulsively prayed for a body love on a flight home from new york where I kinda broke up with this super rich (smart and funny) guy I was only sort of dating. He was a friend of my ex husband's, more an acquaintance, but the need to justify the difference reveals the masculine conundrum.

Landed, ubered, gathered the mail, and hauled my bag up a few flights of stairs.

Shoes off, hands washed, jeans wrangled down to my ankles.

I came so hard that I squirted all over the hardwood floor in the hallway, peering into a tiny deco crystal chandelier kaleidoscope. Sweatered spine on hardwood because I knew I was going to cum hard and I'm a clean freak. Wiped clean those glossy floorboards. See, the body love's energy came in, and Spirit told me I had work to do.

I next perceived this very specific to-do list, to call in a body love using the energy of my space — a one-bedroom apartment I shared with my two young sons in mid-city — just across the street from those lacma street lamps. So I did all the to-do's before Spirit said tinder. I had worked all week. Wrote down all the tiny chores, crossing them off, feeling great. It was a friday. I tindered over the weekend and remember taking the boys for barber shop haircuts, then was parking in his garage late wednesday afternoon post consultation with an honestly happy couple. They walked me to my car and we all watched a swarm of bees circle the jacaranda to the back left of their home. We had seen the bees before, in a clear line of site out their bedroom window, and we watched again from below until they bid me farewell like nervous parents. I hadn't had that and it was sweet.

That was in the spring of 2019. I wore a cream linen skirt suit, 70's, with suede manolos. Had put a vetiver, neroli and faintly cinnamon body oil on my legs, careful not to oil the suede. It felt like I only took left turns on the drive home seven hours later, and once I successfully pulled iris into her assigned slot, I did know I was fucked. We hadn't yet but I was, I just knew it. You know that feeling when it washes over. Yet when you want the assignment, as in your soul needs the work, you take it.

Lessons come packaged as they will, enticing in their present tense while draped with red flags looking back — that's * if * you pass the test. I finally did. I passed with zero fanfare last fall, and now it's spring again, and I'm grateful to be here. I'm on the eastern shore of maryland, a farmer of sorts, devoted to moving inside learnings out after a long, hot decade fighting against myself in the city of angels, where I kid you not, I had six different bedrooms, each one rearranged countless times.

gIRL mess class starts in our bedrooms because I can tell you that many, many bedrooms are stale with avoidance. Thus on the flip side, bedrooms are ripe with potential for actualizing, living within, our authentic desires on the daily.

As adults, or doing our best to act the part, our energy in one realm of lived experience is indicative of our big picture energy. So I wasn't just dirty talking, I was committed to cracking myself open across the board. What I was doing in bed, I was doing in life. I broke my reality apart, swept up all the pieces, dusted them off and laid them across the table to sort. Like items like to live together, so I compartmentalized my particular gIRL mess into piles. I like a pile. A pile seems to dare hey, here I am, come deal with me.

    Tomorrow, we answer.

No two people's piles look the same.

Not sure if this is called karma or fate, or if it's just the work of being a (high) functioning human being? We're here on the material plane, and maybe we've been here before, hence all the piles, but what * work * it is to be in a human body on the material plane dealing with our stuff?

💤

 IT'S SANDWICHES FROM HERE ON OUT GANG 

57

I don’t fathom I would have loved these particular hims had I been mothered as a child vs child mothering my brothers and myself.

If mothering is guidance with protection,
is wayfinding thru modeled regulation ?

⚠︎

911 pager prompts 4 a front row seat 2 the evening’s brawl

Keep handy yet another glass of room temp Chardonnay

 Gloves Laced

Gloater

I hope you find a man you love as much as I love your father.

    If he ever hits *me* I’d leave.

Age twelve, I’d leave for the park with baby brothers in tow. A stroller or the wagon + all the peanut butter sandwiches I'd bread for. Work them back into the bread bag. Pile them and we’d collect my best pal Suzi up the block. The farm has gentle undulation whereas Pittsburgh has hills. Suzi would push or pull when my arms were tired, but had bad asthma, angry eczema from the smoking that her parents did and my parents judged.

Meghan smells like an ashtray.

The park was small and perched above the baseball diamond, where the games and families would come but then leave again. Like normal. We’d be there all day, co-parenting of sorts, doing our best not to be home. I had instructions to keep the kids out, while Suzi had reasons of her own.

Sometimes we would spy on the ball players we thought were cute. Boys from school tiny bit transformed in team jerseys. Liked to giggle at the idea of cups. I would track their parents: dress / body language / cars. Logging clues for links.

⚾

Pan Pacific Park

Panic Park

What is panic and where does it come from?

    How to move it out to move on?

⚾

Iris lost a limb on the outskirts of Panic Park
this time last year

⚾

My family provided very few Whys so I remember them.

Dad, why does mom drink wine from a box?

    So she cannot see how much she’s had.

⚾

I love my life the more I see and understand myself.

    I love others the more I see and understand human nature.

No bad / sad / mad when you make sense of Nonsense

    Just happens one day

I call this closing an energy loop
Also, a miracle

⚾

I have 5 baseball games 2 attend this weekend.

Pacifi*

wafting Scent of Nonsense

43

🦥

If I was slow to start (headiness, readiness) my the first month out the gate, I am making up for it now. Forgiveness implicit in all directions, as being a human is a whole thing. Like I said, I expected I would bring myself with me, as that's the only 'real' option. I knew I was down and have been. It's hard to see you're not well when you're formulating how to shift the biggest boulder. And solutions will allude you until they don't. So, you lank away in the shadow, or the rare bleachers with shade cover. Team player babes don't actually want to go. Nobody wants to hear about the baseball. It's too much, Meg! Their dad will only want to hear about baseball, all about all the sports. And my fixation is Home, or the running to and from, but I think that's subsiding with maturation — principles + years — and the Maryland of it all.

The keys were right here and I couldn't see them, or couldn't handle seeing them quite yet. Big change happens in increments and I'm sensing critical mass momentum as I get ideas into our 4D material world → out of my 3rd eye.

I have to tell you, the state of Maryland seems very organized. I'd say "just like me" though I knew I had the security deposit box key somewhere, but I couldn't — 

Had to Reschedule my appointment, push it out once and again, gain time to unlock the requisite documentation to show Maryland I am who I say I am. There. The small brown envelope, preprinted: KEYS INSIDE. Top of the paperwork pile brought on the plane, still tucked in the middle pocket of the mini black leather backpack worn on the flight. Nineties round 2 with mini polarized frames and square-toed boots, which I continue to covet in all the colorways. 1 reason to be a designer: You cut yourself whatever you like till it feels easy for you to do you. Ex) Rick & his shorts, twenty pairs in little stacks.... A perk from the constant oversight of a man-made machine.

Four

Three

Two

One

Unlock my box and there's 1/2 the stuff I need to share, old and original. I've gathered the rest from what's arrived in the mail month one. Auto-payments to establish and so much * to streamline. Sometimes this stuff gets me off, but I don't need quick highs at the present.

Okay, this is what I mean by organized: the MD DMV requires no messy logins with passwords you'll never remember and ∴ always be resetting. Tidy unique links you click to Confirm [Reschedule].

I arrive early and see they've texted a link to Confirm my arrival. Click. An immediate invitation to Window 6, which I note because everywhere from the new house is 6 minutes away. Exit the car, round the bend to a pleasant seeming man in purple waving from his window. He will make me look straight at the camera, no slight tilt for masking under-eye circles. Whatever. I leave with a temporary license and actual plates, optically less encumbered by California.

mwj wears Snob and braids with a black cotton tee ! + a bra ! on the tiny pic, in the mail month two.

Iris wears Ag Tags on her nose and rear. Orange with red on dark blue is a bold move, but let's support her choice to roll around declaring:

Our Farms, Our Future

Two Someones want to be shades of setting Sun Ponies

Doing lots of HQ work with clients who love their home and wish to roam. 

    A migrating herd of us

        More Sun Ponies

🎠

🏇

🐎

🐴

 

31

FUCKBOI

LovER

Magician

Warrior

King

☉

well, there R various iterations 

of documented archetypes 

of the solar expression

 

a mouthful meaning

how & why men
R

The coyote is a trickster, an adolescent, or trapped there, in adolescence.

Can you even imagine?

I nannied for a family for a few summers. The father was being investigated by the FBI for his role in a banking whistleblower lawsuit. Men in suits patrolling the yard and he's mocking the way his wife eats corn on (off) the cob. The mother believes that men never mentally progress past the age of 14. I told her I feel that way about America. All violence and pussy; violent with pussies.

14

Last spring, we found a very dead and large squirrel in the courtyard. Our investigation led us to believe that a hawk couldn't handle the weight and dropped its prey __splat__

I didn't want to deal with It. Said a gurl dadi prayer and went out. Coming close to home and I see him in my headlights. He sees me too, with the furry pancake hanging from his mouth. Thank You Coyote Trickster. I'll tell the others you killed him all by yourself. Such A Big Boy. Such a good boy wants mama to sit on his face now__

🔓

It’s a different type of settling when It works down to your ankles. That’s when it’s go time __Ready To Go Time__ Got to walk barefoot on the farm, pace the old road corridors to help my animus work his way earth-side. Get him out on this side of the frenetic tangle. He’s one cool cucumber who needed a season longer to ripen past the critical age of 14.

Skunk smell in the air: consistent

    Seeing stars in the sky: new

Solid decade with stars only in the sidewalks, jumping over them, scootering around, headed to and from to the farmer's market on Hollywood and Vine with respect. Our favorite vendor is a Oaxacan woman selling small hand-carved wooden animals. Her family makes and paints them back home. Nicest energy. She brought me back an embroidered dress once. The critters are journeying further__

The internet is up and running. I like renaming the network as a mini life-hack that sets a tone. Was waiting on the router in my car being shipped, and good news everyone... Iris and eero R here: more consistency__

This was William's, the driver's, last cross country drive. He's been a trucker for 17 years and he's only 41. He bought a car dealership in Little Rock, but plans to move it up here. Will specialize in used luxury automobiles. I love cars. I had this on a dating app once, CARS, under interests, and my girlfriend was all like You don't love cars, you love license plates. NOPE I love both. I will learn to drive stick here. Fire a gun here (sorry) and drive stick. My own roads hold the raging.

The new house wants glossy shutters. Dark green or black? Not sure, so not yet. Let's get one winter (again) under our shared belt, house.

How about this instead? I will clear the strange clumpings of junk from your garage, and pull all the weeds from your beds. I already asked the gardener to bury the front drainage pipes — too aggressive for a first impression. Goodness, and seems like years of pine needles in your gutters, and everywhere. Rake it in. Yes, that’s it for now. The gloss will crop up with whatever else is simmering as thoughts form — as thought forms alchemize.

30

Hump Day school skippers, the boys and I spent 12 hot hours at Disney popping our SoCal pimple. Shouldn't have picked at It but It throbs. A throbbing spot that dares: release me + u want 2. And release feels good 2. To scream. A name. So you squeeze and you have to keep on squeezing. Hands up, screaming, 3 times on the same ride. More keeps coming up. This is why we went there. Pop it, push It, leaning into all that has assaulted my aesthetic et cetera et cetera sensibilities for just about a decade, 10 whole years of my life, one quarter. This, Here, is all my boys know. To them this is The Real World. Extreme wealth normalized. Men acting as deciders. Women wearing someone else's hair, implanted et spandexed, doing the PTA. To please exactly who or whom? Cast Members: what Disney calls their costumed line operators. Cast Members: performing, dividing, conquering, consuming. Divide and conquer roles, like stepmothers with little chalkboards, those single use plastic snacks listed out 🍎 

 Smile :) Every1 is Watching 

I've lived in Los Angeles throughout my 30's. Los Angeles and my 30's are strange realms of Hell interwoven to the point of melding. I'll never know one without knowing the other. Melded, sulfuric, smelling like roasting pain, so I do wonder what drives everyone to keep building on top of the temporal? I tried to sink in. Bought the biggest couches ever. Added big upholstered armchairs; a bigger brick red bed. The movers got the stuff out, just like, It’s no big deal.

I'm camping on the floor for a few days. The futon is fine = good enough; the drawn out goodbye, not so much. I will attend a gothic pagan wedding and then fly through the night 🧹 :)

Still grounded, I place my hands, my forehead, on the walls and I say Thank You. Wrapping up loose ends, knowing that's not true either. Thank You: house, homes, town, people in the town, even mean people super sunk into this town. No plan, but thinking I'll establish my own sink-whole HQ, then dip a toe back in !! 2 choose 4 yourself !! hence why the tastiest spring water is on pause, because I will dip a bachelor toe back in and await the sucking. Or how about, suckling? (We added an L as in Love is...)

Dirty dadi's been in a fiery place, singed by too much sun; by all too many fire drills. Numb to the unchanging tempo set by another. An anxious other, teaching anxiety, or exact-timing-story-telling. Feel into that White Rabbit my sons. 

And I'm tired.

Tired out Here, always moving, forever driving back & forth.

← ???WHAT'S YOUR ETA???? →

Did you know that there are 7 stages in the alchemical process ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

1. Calcination Villa
2. Dissolution Treehouse
3. Separation Castle House
4. Conjunction Nest
5. Fermentation The Foundation
6. Distillation
7. Coagulation

My baby tells me I smell different

       Bountiful, crossing this finish line for the next

Not this year, but next (SEASONS) I'll begin a new tradition of Nocino at the holidays + scented vinegar for washing windows. Let's play out the upcoming step by stepmother metaphors. Let's make use of the green walnuts falling from the black walnut trees, lining the driveway of the farmhouse 👻 while it still stands. Ro really needed to wait in line for the Haunted Mansion, 10 hours deep into that long, hot day. For over 90 minutes, I witnessed the Why prompting the What. I got What you're looking for 🍯

☆ ????WHERE R U GUYS??? ☆☆

In the packing inventory, there were 7 pieces of ceramic yard art * * * * * * *

1. Large eclipse
2. Large sun
3. Large moon
4. Medium sun
5. Medium moon 
6. Small sun
7. Small moon

Small sun and moon (again, 6 & 7 await) were unknowingly glued to the exterior of the house. They were hung up high; earthquakes. I couldn't get them down, nor could my tall brother, and the movers didn't try. Thus 5 were packed and after, the other 2 were coaxed down. The sun lost a ray that I plan to glue on. The sharp ray sliced open my right palm. Don't read into It, but you're right, you know.

The sun and the moon are in the car I once planned to drive over. Turns out, I'm driven out *and* 2 people had bad visions on the same day. William has them, wrapped in bedding, in Iris, in his covered transport, so let's see what happens.

The old grain barn needs a paint job, but just may settle for some crazy glued panache. And a ballet bar — a looooooong 1 —