42

Garages fascinate me with their potentiality

What doesn’t want to live in the house?

And can you park your car in there?

That much bigger than city closets

Are you living like you want to ____?

Organized across the spectrum of your life?

Or a dumping ground of stuff to work out?

Hellscape?

¿ Home Sex Gym ?

¡ Risqué pull-up bar !

Pockets of Discord

        Fighting with sense of self

        Feeling, not always seeing

I usually trim my nails when more than four break but I don't want to because they too are tools in my toolbox and our tools become dependable friends. Hello again, Hammer. Let's hang some art with red frames in the laundry room. Art's been sitting on the floor for a few weeks now and it's ready (enough) to commit 4 now

Green walnuts are breasts on an angel

Pressed flowers and leaves are fairy wings

Fish roe r eye balls

Adolescent with wing buds

        Antlers not quite emerged

        Teething — molars

A horned black house cat crawls along the back of the couch, lightly dusted with white dog hair. Rounding her back in heat, conceptualizing the TBD finish of the DIY pine. Arching with an exhale: Railings, semi-ornate.

You don't sleep right before you give birth, too swollen with human thoughts, mourning the before if you are wise, or adequately educated in the actuality of what you term reality.

41

He yells at me a lot. He's punishing me and has been. This is not how adults speak to one another, guys; please don't rationalize this. Don't normalize it. I'm sorry you have heard this.

It's too obvious, but I woke up knowing that he wouldn't yell at me if I had a male spouse figure in my life. In his life code, he couldn't.

This is how cycles keep going. You run to another to shield you from the other. I haven't done that with this. I have explored and have learned so much about myself. Dating as an adult is such an untapped school of spirituality. I do believe growth is possible in a committed union, though it's not something I see often, nor something that was modeled for me. Perhaps only the opposite, just sinking, sinking into one way.

Opening so much space; more than ever before. What will happen next?

2><(((⌾>

 h

40

The best thing I did with this move was expect that I'd bring myself. Right where I was. Am. I did. It's okay. She’s settling in here. She's happier. She's gross. Horny and impatient. Trying not to clean too much. Writing more. Grateful. Hungry once a day. Walking and dreaming of running. I actually love her. Love her clients. All over the place and just excellent. Her hair's getting longer, and my sons might just understand all of this.

side note:

super pumped 90's party dresses r back

Date night old town party dress big coat hand at my back bring u home space heater till I work out this fuel tank situation x x x

This: is learning patience and accepting

❅39❆

How:

❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅ ❅
❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆ ❆

2 CHILLS

❅
It's 37° outside and I'm inside sitting in a sunbeam patch with my haircutting shears from a Valley beauty store, easily unearthed in the unpacking — when / where I finally realize the beautiful insanity of my organizational abilities. I am trimming my split ends and thinking, open in this available time and space. There are more bb split tongues than I would like to see, but it's been grow-go-grow since I chopped off all the dyed length preceding the pandemic. I want my natural color and eventual lack thereof on fresh ends down to my pls stay round ass; that's the kind of old lady I see myself becoming. Center part peppered tinseled. Do grays reverse when you mitigate stressors?

MEDUSA ∞ RAPUNZEL 

Snipping, when a collaborator phones. We talk for an hour and my slow trim ends with the call. Frayed bb forks everywhere in my sunny office and I realize that I do need a vacuum, more for my mental health than anything. A cordless golden stick, which I have already planned to mount on the basement steps. The door is in the kitchen as you leave for the dining room acting as another living room. Time and space and a basement and an attic ❅ a wild bounty ❆

❅ ❆

I was soaking in a salty bubble bath, covered my small breasts with a washcloth, dipping lower into bubbles and asked the guys (who wanted to skip their baths) if they fancied a foot soak. Ro logged five minutes during which we discussed the ocean, negative ions on the shore and our many beach walks. Shea showed up and they exchanged places. A strand of my hair was stuck on my hand, so I held it up and asked him to pull it off, thinking he would toss it on the bathroom floor with a shake, get off of me motion. Short hair people don't know about the hair spiders long hair people assemble on the side of the tub. Instead he ate it! Shea put my strand of wet hair in his mouth, chewed, swallowed and cackled all in an instant. Takes his licking habit up a notch🕷

Love is so beautiful

Bountiful like light you look for

I will no longer treat it like a burden

☃⚉☃
Wanna warm up with a fun, funny squash partner??

38

A cardinal catches both eyes this morning. Then I start to see him all around, again. Red and striking in his childhood wonder, meaning an old memory, meaning I've been here before. Blue jays with their tufted dos, and sparrows too, but that bright red is really special right now. I admit I felt stranded in the south of California. Birds of paradise. His profile. That regal beak between my legs.

Walking into town, one perfect mile that's not a dead end, and I've been here before, too. I bet I was my great grandmother's grandmother, or something. Don't recall male lifetimes.

One. Is this ↓ (or that ↑) true?

When it was dry in the desert, I looked towards lust as salvation. Tethered to lust, seriously * tie me * stretch me * longer than it made sense. It doesn't make much sense to build in a desert, but it can be exciting to twist order.

I had the same reoccurring nightmare as a child: Jailed for a crime I didn't commit. With nobody there to help, or even listen without mocking. Estrangement and isolation bred from age-old cycles. Now I am doing my best to work with and on ancestral land, to take the keys to see if that rattles off the present day bonds ready to break. Cross country straw grasping persistent. Expected that, sip by sip. Transmute bit by bit 2 heal my shit. Crack open and the fizzy peroxide bubbles up the junk that got the healing started. Initiation, Thank You, junk + junk pickers. Kids eat their scabs. Grain barn Home Sex Gym; it's a new way to farm (ideas). Mockingbirds impersonating and roosting pea fowl preening.

I lost 1/3 of my hair and 4.5 long finger nails in my decision making (my hair) and migration (my nails). The National Audubon Society writes, "Molting is energetically expensive — as is migration and breeding. So, birds make sure these three activities don't overlap." Nature and defying nature, there's a pendulum humans oscillate along.

Driving to the airport early Saturday morning and I'm not sure why, but I remember draining Paul's* cyst in the shower. Sad man-boy raised by servants and his wife left him for an even richer man, and we're in the shower when I see it. I ask, but I'm not sure I would have been able not to put my thumbs on either side of the hard boil and press down, in and up. The hot water has helped prep the thing and I push my thumbs in a double sided swoop and it races out shooting out at me. My face, ew. I scream (extra loud given the acoustics) and he gets more self-conscious. I calm him and I mean it: Babe, let me get this out. Let me take care of you because we’re here and it's happening. The smell is too intense, goodness. There's that drive to get to the bottom of everything.

The cyst left an impression on us both. He cried, soft Dionysian underbelly. All okay. He talked a lot about this with his therapist. I know this because he would start each dinner date with therapy updates. I wonder — If it came back, grew back? If he still goes? Why I think about all this?

Therapeutic Drainage: Maybe that's the style of farming I'm up to, again. Could be my karma, and is presenting as my life. Standing on the other side, as in both sides, it does hurt in that (sorry) good hurt way. I am grateful giving / getting my attention.

Drain Me

Split me in Two. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

37

First month away is just the tip of the iceberg and you don’t crash when you don’t judge your neighbor and do keep your side of the street clean. Rake all the yard waste to the curb and call the town because they seem happy to help.

I see my complicity more clearly here on the tip, tipping over and thus off that bellcurve fulcrum point that populates my mind's eye decision making. I make my body a pendulum, thinking a thought or holding an object, wondering which way I will lean. Like those ouroboroses in my dreams. Not a dissimilar calculation. Symbolism is everywhere. Remember letters and numbers are symbols, our quiet guides rounding each bend.

So, I atone through living, day in and out, doing my best to feel my feelings. I go into homes for a living. Sure my demo skews one way, as most demos do, but I believe this about humans after seeing what I am blessed to keep seeing: Everyone is doing their best in any given moment.

← AND BESTS SPAN A WIDE SPECTRUM →

Did you know that knowing you are not doing your best is still doing your best? Knowing is not being, for heads are only one realm of what makes up home. Your head is but one tool in your toolbox. Set firm boundaries for logic.

                     ><(((@> J

Ro caught a 2.5 pound large mouth bass yesterday. His personal best. He was with Ed, his private teacher who is (I love this) a working artist (bronze bass and eagles, sterling silver Polynesian hooks — on his own myth trip) and a co-captain for shallow water charters, when in season.

Expert gentle soul guidance with all the right equipment and my son makes his first big catch. At ten, he might not be ready to see that the spectrum of best is responsive to circumstance and preparation. But you can see it, can't you? You know that preparation requires resources of one type or another. So be kind and rest until you are ready. Let the forces of inspiration swirl then gather. Come together.

The week before the cold came early, or on time, in slim men’s Dockers and budget hiking boots, I glued the sun’s broken ray due south. And it aligns perfectly, like a tiny bone fissure, like in my wrist from when school paid for sleep away camp. I was ten then too. My elbow was bent in a cast for three months and I really liked shaving the black hair off my jaundiced arm when it was released. I bet I was wearing the same look when I slipped off that mossy rock and cracked my wrist. It was only Tuesday afternoon. I didn't want to go home and they didn't make me. Suzi buttoned and unbuttoned my jeans for me, and someone else braided my hair.

☑ Create a vacuum and watch it be filled

☑ Not taking the bait (build the muscle)

☑ Junk pickers at the grain barn (satisfying) 

☑ A half dumpster (be honest with yourself) 

☑ Horses can sound like WhoreSex when you listen

*SPECIAL*JUMBO LUMP CRAB EGGS BENEDICT CANYON
W/ A SIDE OF MWJ YOUR WAY

Place & Pace

🎠

36

1/2 cord of firewood
delivered to your home
will run you $120

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3. How do you react,
    what happens,
    when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without that thought?

☉

I am helping a client make space for a four-day-fuck-trance later today. Her words, not mine, and how inspiring? Strong numerology ;0 Light the path, lead your horse to water, and baby, let them drink. This will be our fourth session, not including a little treat to bridge her office with her home, and we will be harnessing the cultivated erotic power of embodied storytelling.

1. SPACE: Is it true? 

    Light the path,

2. STYLE: Can you absolutely know that it's true?

    lead your horse to water,

3. SEX: How do you react,
    what happens,
    when you believe that thought?

    and baby,

4. STORY: Who would you be without that thought? 

    let them drink.

🎠

hostess

with the mostest

serves her higher good

><(((⌾>

h

35

 

m.uu.j KARMA IS MY BOYFRIEND

He asked me to show him me

  say that four times fast

Later on I will I send him the Target screen snapshot of me packing my own groceries. Who watches these feeds? Don't forget the chunky peanut butter, or what happens? Constant threats, bullying — you're bullying to feed. Jerks-off resource yourselves. Livestream this exercise: that's a channel, a mood, a movement. Movement towards. . . everyone standing around in red polo shirts watching us watch ourselves pack stuff in plastic if you don't bring your own. Seems complicated. I will, later, text you me. I’ll ask you to read me a story in Italian. Me in my new tracksuit. The washing machine repair man's partner likes it. She  wants to run I know because I know that look. Seems like you’re just grabbing cereal on a Sunday night to prepare for Monday mornings but you’re retracing how you got here. At least two decisions will be highlighted in hindsight, but you keep it so to yourself that you're gonna do it again with the next one. This is what women need to tell other women. He’s pushing their babies in another cart having fun. Many many men insist on staying clueless. Christmas music blasting means we’re all dying, so that's what you see in my eyes. It's black. Has a nice hand. Cartoon characters start somewhere, like there, see some new lady jogging the track clockwise then counter both in the one black tracksuit with a crispy hand, ready for when it drizzles. 

Jogging, running, is the thing that is going to kill four birds with one stone. I’ve known it and yet I’ll loop around commitment.

I’m going to check on the farm, or allow it to check in on me. Nap-time in the car with the windows down hearing whispers. The CD found my new PO box, tossed in the barn like it bites. Teeth unspeaking words is cowardly, rotting the snag deeper connecting gums with heart rot in a tunnel no long nail can scrape clean. Connections could be a name for the minx of a barn cat. Let's get her spayed 4 she needs to F ff fff ffff. Handles on the roof go thigh high polka dots; one of three home sex gyms I am designing *for real* Are you my fourth? Strange little room finds a rhythm * set * go * lap-time *

Turtle pond; ballet bar; red couches; a sandwich you prepared on a small tray. Is this the long hallway we could see?

 

💔

√

34

🗣I just lit my first fire in this house. It's — it's not that beautiful or profound it's just cold here, and um it's not, well — it's cold here because there's a window that doesn't shut all the way, and I still don't have my stuff, and I'm tired of sleeping on the so poetically described Korean floor futon. Um, my hips do not like it, and I think I'm hippier than I realized, and I'm a side sleeper. If you want to like learn about your sleeping physiology, sleep on the floor for a few weeks. And I keep waking up very expectant. I am in the midst of all these changes, and I just feel So Strongly that I'll be hearing from someone I don't know about something I don't yet know about. It feels work related, not love. Well, I'm open to love propositions as well :) And just up in the night. I'm up in the night, like, waiting. It's the weirdest feeling. And so last night, a girlfriend checked in on me after her date on the West Coast. So one something her time, four something my time. She's like: Are you awake? I'm like, yeah, of course. Right here. I'm waiting. She's like: You're waiting on your stuff. I don't know about the rest, but you're waiting on stuff, and you're going to sleep better in a bed.

So, um, I'm a California real estate salesperson. Oh, I don't know why I got it. I'm not that into real estate, but I thought maybe, it was like, whatever. That's a whole other thing. Sometimes we try to make things that don't work work, and they don't work because you don't want them to work. (Los Angeles.) So I know that in California, you have to disclose if there's been a death in the property, but a lot of times, disclosures are when you are directly asked, and that's, of course, for a sale of a home. So I'm renting a 1930s house here. Which is... I like, I like properties from the '30s. The kids and I had two really cool different 1930s homes over the last... I don't know how many years. Anyways, a couple of friends without ever being on this property... haven't hosted visitors without furniture... have felt the presence of a spirit on the property, a friendly spirit. And I think it's the fellow who lived and died here, and his brother now owns the property. And this window that — I've been cleaning all the windows, waiting on the stuff to arrive — and this one window had a screen taped onto it, like gross duct tape. So I took it [the gross 🦆 tape] off, and it was somehow kind of keeping the window closed. And so we're going to repair the window. And my landlord was like: That's the window that the police broke into the night my brother died.

    Does that scare you?

And I was like, no, it doesn't, because he seems like a very friendly ghost, and I'm not very aware of that realm of spirit. I think my gift is really about keeping people authentically on their life path, authentically living in their agency, and helping them actually clarify what they're here to experience. Like Fairy Godmother Shit. Not seeing the dead. But I'm very, very immersed in the dead being out here because of this quest to heal and regenerate ancestral land, and family complications in my family of origin. I mean that's always been something I've taken on, for right or wrong. And I'm visiting my great grandparents' graves now that I know where they are. I went out to see them the other day. I needed someone to talk to. I had been walking the graveyard where I thought they might be, on all of my trips out here prior to deciding to take a sabbatical year, and I couldn't find them. It was like they were hiding from me. And I had left some messages with... like on the answering machine of the cemetery, and a woman called me on actually the Day of the Dead and she had located them and she put up a small pink flag and it's right where I've walked, right where I've walked with my father, so, and they're clearly marked. We brought out some gardening tools and we cleaned some weeds and stuff away but they weren't in bad shape. They need a scrub; got to figure out what; bring out a bucket or something and give them a scrub. What was the point of this? I don't know. There's just a very palpable infinity symbol in my life right now, where I'm going back and I'm going forward and then I'm here, and I have felt stuck in place for so long in ways that I don't now and maybe that's this atmosphere of anticipation? And I know that we have to meet our nudges / vibes / thoughts with action. And I do think the next right action is sure, fix the window, but get the stuff here. A bed for my hips, couch, rugs, yeah, lots of other thoughts coming through but need a bit of traction — textural traction and a place to host lovers and friends and my family.

mmmm hmmm

33

* CAN DO *

IS DIFFERENT THAN

* CHOOSE 2 *

u KNOW

I ran into that nanny family in Jamaica. It wasn't my life then and seems forever far away now, but I was at a fully staffed private estate within a gated resort for some real tennis faux tournament Thing. Married / toddler / pregnant / blonde. Take the golf cart to a reggae 'party' and there they were. Not one of us could believe it.

guess he didn't go to jail, or got out quickly, wi$e man

Late summer babies. Keep those ankles up. All the water weight would fall off, pacing, rocking, whispering new names. Rock him, rock them, whispering his name, whispers of whispers in the walls. Scheming was happening and documents drawn up, as I wrapped my tummy for support.

barely skims the surface

My sons picked their names. Never had baby names on my mind, and never heard (as in noted, logged) my sons' names before they popped in. These beings forming inside my body, conspirators in a grand push to the other side. Team effort, let's go, pop on out. We would mantra together for days prior:

head down

chin tucked

back to front

And something else that I forget now and don't need to remember. I won't be birthing more human babies this lifetime.

*

Rogan means redheaded one and he is. Craved so much mint (chocolate chip ice cream) that I knew he'd be spicy. Two years, two weeks, two days apart Shea so spicy too. Same shade of red, blue eyes, Shea's way. Shea means admirable, dauntless — though I think he picked it because it sounds soothing, and he knew we'd need that. Shea Butter baby. Sea with an h. Megan with an h. Pearl in the oyster in the deep blue redheaded sea.

eye of the storm

pick your partners wisely

so you dive below

meaning as so above

Do U KNOW if oysters sink in or float around?

◖-'-^-{☀ ♡ ☀}-,-‘–◗

The boys and I have named all of our homes, or they have told us their names at some point. There's no new name yet; need my crew's eyes on the scene. Getting closer; feel the kicks.

In this move, I am being more than doing. It's different because the stuff comes after I came. Stuff holding tight in LA, past the due date so to say. I find myself being in each room. Cumming in each room. Sleeping in the study. Then next night in the dining room. Watching old Romeo and Juliet on a meditation cushion in the living room. Reading room? Meditating to the sight of the hot orange Japanese maple through the office? window. I haven't really been in my bedroom. That's the room I have spent the least time being inside of. Might just come down to window treatments. A window treatment made from 80's deadstock floral to shield my comings, cummings and goings from the neighbor's kitchen sink.

Even what you don't KNOW can hurt u.

Mighty 2 allow 

people * places * things

b who and what they r and r not

TRY

Flow

Grow

Chin up

👢👢

32

WRITTEN THEN
POSTED NOW

 

 

 

 🦁 STICK 2 IT 🦁

there's a dream I have

you're letting me down
-mwj

☎︎

BB HI
it's your Auntie Laur-Em
answering your call, reaching out really, to say 
YES the divine feminine is alive and wishing WELL

BBs your mama toils

LIFE PATH

ABUNDANCE

LEGACY

strengthening the signal

LIVING ROOM

PRIMARY BEDROOM

G

U

E

S

T

⚜

B

A

T

H

CAN U 

BE 

HEAR 

NOW

?

👠👠

__

10.31.22 👻

tarot on the front porch of the B&B
tip jar full

11.01.22

painters slow start

    I miss my Los Angeles guy but he's my guardian angel

lawyers — discovery review — add two questions 

owner and handyman come over

discuss the ghost

dad arrives

hangs out for a bit — likes the place — ready to farm 

meet dad at the farm

get stuff out of shipping crate — family relics 

head home for Hunter the locksmith

    so many doors between house and garage

walk into town 

ring the bell of a new pal's place for a quick hello 

11.02.22  👻

up all night again

shower, hot water trying

moka pot to go 

    & my water bottle

neighborhood walk wet leaves smell real

going to trade sessions with Tarra

boiler maintenance; parts ordered

lawn mowed

    not the yard clean up I thought was happening, but a precursor 

painters painting blue trim white

    painting Espresso Bean below bedroom wainscoting

washing machine maintenance is cool and gross
2 farm

walk the farm

discuss fence maintenance and property lines

day of the dead indeed

    graveyard calls: graves have been located

check on duck blind

into town

portobello sandwich, to stay

    dad won't picnic in the cemetery

clean the graves of great grandparents

head home, dad heads home

plumber swings by to replace primary bath sink drain

    the sink on the left had been leaking on the floor 

glossy yellow lily to match the shiny deco tiles

paint the cabinet too, my whole world within a world thing

borrowed chairs

antique glance for my new desk — not there

relics getting air, another night of air

lamps will need to be rewired; where ?

deep clean tomorrow, an all day exercise

new friend coming to walk

want angels on the ceiling, I think I know who will know someone

    yes, her daughter when she comes home

realize I have interacted with at least three grasshoppers or grasshopper adjacent creatures over the last two days

dinner 

discuss the 👻's brother and bible study ?