50

open up & shine bbies

🌷

49

 weak-link-gas-light
was of course a mirage

feel disappointed in myself that I'm even surprised

but That There is the supporting evidence

My farmer center part plaited do is fuzzy with new growth. That third of a head of hair lost is coming in hot, ready to fly the pirate flag. From Barbara Walters to Dame Westwood, Rest In Peace you badass women, carving out new warriordom. You don't have to like it, and good news, it only benefits us if you don't. Ex) The Kim K. of it all. If you're a warrior, you change your mind as you want and will.

So from the lunar mind's eye to the solar stomach It. Ha, too many wouldn't dare. Perform your slated role or design a new act and wait for it, watch the squirm. This is getting out, waking up, getting older. Movement. Fountain of Youth stuff.

I'm comfortable Here in the dirt where the biggest boulder had sunk in. Until I moved it. My research shows that within 3 months of a big shift, the energetic repercussions reveal what lies beneath. But before that... it's old stuff slithering away to the next damp pit. This leaves you with your thoughts and tests of faith. And your dreams transforming into knowings. I always encourage and Do Too: Keep going, even if that means meditating in a state park after one brother goes fishing and the other pokes around the woods. Does loving your mom lead to peace with and trust of natural processes? It doesn't take a particularly deep thinker to connect the dots between unbridled misogyny and global warming.

    You — give what I can't (because I won't)

        Sure — makes absolute sense 🤮

Warm for winter and the same woven blanket that was in the back of my wagon for the last five or six years still is. I'm laying on it, knees up, with my face to the sun. Exploding lime green oscillating into blood orange. Back again. Some Thing wants me to be anxious because it's been a week of little work-work and lots of maternal triage, though I'm not. This floating anxiety was never mine. Thank You for moving out of my organs, off the surface of my skin (chin), and surely evaporating ~

Two months in and Spirit speaking smoothly in Their indoor voices. A council convenes in my dreams. Dream recollection must be inverse to discontentment. Spirit says a great love comes in spring, surely balmy. They kept replaying a short film of tulips breaking through the Earth, clicking with age, and a spoken soundtrack overlay: Meghan, remember this. Like with the eels. And the crates of snakes and feathers on nights before. I'm living where America took shape. Real evil. True resilience →

HARRIET TUBMAN

WARRIOR GODDESS KING

I don't have to know if Love masquerades as an adult human, or a Some Thing else. Wu Wei, surprise me. Immense gratitude to have zero interest in dating. I've worked to opt out of the scheme.

1 pushes 2 know, pushes 2 know, pushes 2 know ~ and then all of a sudden you're part of the current and find it a relief to flow with the times. You trust your source.

🌷

I made tacos after nature and the eating nook is all windows. We saw an elderly couple pull up to what we assumed was their shared home. Watched them labor to unload groceries. He dropped a parka, not noticing, and she nearly tripped on it. Only smiled, no scold for the tell. The boys recently spent time with both sets of grandparents and found it annoying, but watching these neighbors, I asked: Don't you think they're annoyed too? It's frustrating to change beyond prior recognition. Then you play catch up if you can, faster or slower, for a change of pace throws you. We watched and came to the unasked for conclusion that they are companions, and that she may want more than he does, but isn't it nice to build an expression of what works given the circumstances? The not-so-secret secret is that in loving the present moment, circumstances evolve ▶

48

  not a compliment to be called

*hard on yourself*

being hard on yourself serves as a barrier

you cannot access your own life forces

*Force Field*

the totality of your inherent energy

held just out of reach

*2 Stiff*

Cramped inside a vice grip, and the key words here are vice and grip. What happens when you stop gripping? Ahhh a rush of blood where there wasn’t. Mmm fresh enters the emptied.

I feel it leave my face. My jaw. Behind my ears, and then down to my ankles. I really rubbed into my ankles to get It out. Then buzzy warmness. I will look different as I continue, but like you, I am where I am. There is logic in being where you are. Data and information. You know what they morph into, right?

My right side, from deep under my shoulder blade up into my neck, was locked in a tug-o-war. Chin held high or shoulders shlumpy, weighed down? Which one will it be? Or let it go. Ohhh actually no decision. I know this pain will dissipate. Holding onto temporal discomforts was the decision.

The wave of fear that comes after my bath is overwhelming. I swear someone is in the house, and they are, or have been. Fear has lived in my house. All the violences and shameful storylines muddled by basic needs + always looking for the light.

Okay. I walk around to turn on lights and check behind doors. I’m holding a small white taper, burning, lit initially for a moody bath.

Okay, next, make some dinner. Scramble some eggs and top with nori, salt & pepper. A small sliver of Brie on the side. Tap water with lemon.

Eat. It's perfect.

I wash the dishes and then loop around turning off some of the lights. The coat closet door is ajar and I tense. Didn't see that earlier. I'm brave and open it to reveal the large cornhusk broom has fallen from the clip mounted to the inside of the door. That was the sound I heard when I was drying off.

Real.*

47

 

*

technically speaking / wiggling toes
went 2 market / ate roast beast w/ Yorkshire pudding

wee, wee, wee 3 coming home
5

*

reading u a story 

     (\_/) 
    (o.o)

*

^^^^^^^^^^

December 23rd, 2022

Hear* it comes again. The rain on the roof is such a generous soundtrack.

I haven't had a winter for a decade and I heard it might be coming, so I drove 45 minutes each way to the Trader Joe's, and I charged my dildo, and I put firewood to dry by the back door. I did my laundry. I have some mending to do. I think I'm ready. I don't like to check the weather. I like to walk outside.

Performed ritual on the farm for the solstice, before the impulse to stock up on groceries that feel familiar. Single moms like TJ's.

I wore a trend I really got off the ground in the fifth grade. So much happened that year, still. Leggings under ripped up baggy jeans. I don’t have floral leggings anymore, but I do have a chocolate unitard and put on shredded denim + a silk house coat + one of those hair bands that goes ^^^^^^^^^^ + a puffy 80’s bomber. White sneakers. Walked the high point of the farm in peak sunlight, no tow required, and then went to stock up the house for my growing up boys.

My business is my daughter. She too's been gearing up for a growth spurt. She requires extra sleep right now. I have sympathy growing pains. My right arm is a mess and it doesn’t take deep thinking to figure that one out.

I’m not jealous of my daughter. I want her to look and feel her best. Excited to help her as much as wants my help — shopping for new clothes, new shoes, building a new digital home! Mindset matters.

Take the keyssss

David Lynch calls the mantra a key to transcend

There’s no way to save yourself. You decide to save yourself. You do what you know you need to do. This requires tremendous faith.

The rain turned to snow for 20 beautiful minutes. Lord, a lot can happen in 20 minutes.

And the geese flying overhead — another generous sound and site.

V V V V

V V V

V V

V

Soulstice

Film Recommendations Volume Two via G Poma

Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles dir. Chantal Akerman

The Novelist's Film dir. Hong Sang-soo

A Tale of Two Sisters dir. Kim Jee-woon

📺 Azzedine Alaïa dir. Joe McKenna

La Ciénaga dir. Lucrecia Martel

All the Beauty and the Bloodshed dir. Laura Poitras

📺 Mami y Yo y Mi Gallito dir. Arisleyda Dilone

📺 Jean Nouvel: Reflections dir. Matt Tyrnauer

The Eternal Daughter dir. Joanna Hogg

Black Girl dir. Ousmane Sembène

📺 Issey Miyake Moves dir. Setsuko Miura 

📺 Lisa King: Seedling Solace

🤠 encore 👏 encore 🤠    

46.3

DC :

o

 <>

 🐰 click v hungry tummy 4 sleepy story

46.2

(k)not back there worked out 🎩 

v hungry 🧵

sensual cocoon 🧵

metamorphosex 🧵

fly higher 🧵

 🐰 click 4 bb quilts

46.1

gifts from my mother :

90% of lyrics to 90's country radio =

     forever memorized
a penchant for station wagons
a commitment to not rot on the vine —

   🍇 critical thinking

   🍇 spirituality

an aversion to the 

    word

    role

    ceremony making one a * wife *

a full-on domestic wheelhouse
v conversational w/ strangers


teacher : i have work to do

    & i’m doing it
so keep teaching me
soaking up your nurture
fill my tank, teacher 


if i woke up her :

i'd take off the mask

    face it all

    pull-back, tuck

look & see

    "cataracts :

    inability to see ahead with joy

    dark future

    life is eternal and filled with joy."

        - louise hay 👼

i’d go to a treatment center spa place —
    get — you know —

    get tons of bodywork
    & get into therapy
        find a way to really get into it all
be curious about the mechanics of life
+

trousers

+

tops

+
a hand-carved wooden walking cane
fiber arts revival / rehab thru quilting demons

aging & the beverly hills of it all :

a remnant from the hollow years
    botched under-eye filler dissolved

broken talons untouched through the XC move
    ! shape up !
15 minute chair massage

     4 the thing living in my back


this also means :

i should learn how to quilt
health is my new vice


*


dreaming of eels, maroon & yellow

they keep outgrowing their tanks

want to be together in a realllly big tank

wait, that doesn't work either

separate & larger; them / their tanks

they won't stop growing

how to re-wild domesticated eels ?

overthinking it, stop it

there are no tops on the tanks

they will figure it out

never was your problem


*


tom, my shamanic practitioner, does psychic surgery, removing the wet concrete creature & its tentacles wrapped around my 2nd chakra; tendrils up into my ear drums, into the hinge of my jaw — never was my belief system, no matter how deep inside it was shoved; pumped; swallowed; to love is to witness without the weight of what i would do, as that is what i have asked to experience; agency shines …. Slithers


to work is to generate aligned ideas

requires desire & exchanging energy

while the sun is my teacher, tom is an excellent light-worker :

artoftheshaman@gmail.com

45

,

I went out to the farm today with my third cousin who's kind of like an uncle figure, which is sweet, being that I inherited the farm from an uncle. And, it's pouring rain. My car is at the shop attempting to pass a Maryland inspection, which I thought, well, of course she would pass, then failed for three reasons. But I didn't know that then. And we're out at the farm, and we're driving, and he's like: I'm worried we're gonna get stuck. It's really rainy. And I'm like: We're not going to get stuck. And then, right as we said that, we realized we were stuck. So he calls his son, who happens to be in town, and I call the neighbor. I have neighbors on both sides. I know the one neighbor better than the other, and he's a landscaper, so I figure he has something, as we're not that stuck. And he comes over with his tractor. [A cigarette between his lips.] It's so funny — the men — they don't say anything to each other. They don't even make eye contact. My neighbor has a tow rope thing. It's not a rope, but I don't know what it is. It's like a band. Not a bungee — a canvas tow band? Hands it to my cousin, who just buckles it up. And they just, they just do this thing. And I'm watching them and I'm videotaping it because I'm still so tickled that it's a Tuesday and this is what I'm doing. So he just gives a tug and the car comes and they're not talking and they're not saying anything.

I don't know where it came from... old programming, most likely... but I say to my neighbor: Well, now I'm going to have to cook you dinner. And he says: And I don't have a problem with that. And he gets back in the tractor and we get back in the car and we go on with our day.

l
a
t  o  d  a  y
e
r  e  p  o  r  t  I N g

Hey,

I guess I'm just really, I'll say the word realizing, but what I really mean, is settling into — accepting — the fact that I'm always going to love you. I always have and I have to accept that I always will. Until, maybe, I won't? But that love — there's nothing to do with It. I'm a doer, and there's nothing to do. It's not broken. It doesn't need to be fixed. And It doesn't need to be experienced. There's nothing to do with It. It just Is. It's almost like Its own entity. It's just being It, and accepting that is pretty fascinating. 

And I find myself wanting to tell you: I love you. And then I say: Why do you need to say that? You know that. And I don't need to hear 'I love you' back, because, I know that. And so there's this big thing that just Is. And it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that we're supposed to be together. It doesn't... It doesn't mean anything. It's just being what It IS. !

I think that's pretty cool. Cool, as in, actually * what * is * happening * It doesn't matter what I think of It, It just is being what It Is. Isn't that wild?

caretaking

 vs.

stewardship

 4

land

 &

men

Detaching the It from you, reignition, sparking alive, remembering. Worn into acceptance when striking It from my To Do List, ticking off my previous belief that I am the one who needs to fix big things previously perceived as unworking — when clearly they work because they Really R Real. Three. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

I want to make love for days, like Four (in-a-row). Who would you be without that thought? But I don't care to deal with the before or after. There is nothing I need / want / care to say, besides sometimes this feeling of (heart-felt (feels)) expression: I love you. Meaning, I love Love. Allowing, Love.

This really is true: As of today, I have no desire to make two cappuccinos tomorrow morning, unless they're both for me, spaced about ten minutes apart. Without that thought, I might be like my client, who checked-in after farm-stuck and car-fail. We talked about land * illness * ♡ * embryos. She desires nothing more than to make a second cappuccino, or a sandwich (a bottle). I don't think it's a *grass is always greener* thing. It's about energy, excess energetic reserves, and over on the other end — depletion.

1. Conventional vs. not ?

2. Is my soil depleted ? 

3. Is my nervous system ? 

4. 5th grader, pinkie-nursing babies, drinking drip coffees. I think I've told you this before, but a mom up the street would french braid my hair before the school bus came. Almost every morning. I would trade her mother's helper time after school 4 my fix. It's the ritualized aesthetic that gets you through trials (of being your mother's live-in helper?).

   

whoremoans
+  
lived experience

44

Lots of productivity and contentment, linked but not totally, and my neck is stiff. Layer up with tea-to-go to walk the quarter mile track. I've timed the loops to catch the sun setting, and the moon is already out. Tracking polarities, back-and-forth, loosens up my neck quite a bit. This side-to-side, watching, contrasting but not comparing is a helpful stretch. Head into the belly of my neighborhood to walk till the sky goes purple. Bring in firewood. Roast beets, tossing in the greens at the end, add to the yellow rice after snagging an oily clove of garlic.

e

a

r

l

i

e

r

*

to do today when it's raining
& this house makes me happy

* lying in bed the sounds send me back to sleep for an hour

* note my cycle so light — nothing much left to release right now

* right shoulder tight; feel him so intensely & yet none of it matters, in the highest expression, it all just is — How do i say this ? — this is I T 

* like when i went 'home' last week for the first time in years, their home, i watched them, i get it, no problem, even though it's super fucked up

* i do see

* make SP juice

* wipe down the counters, something that cuts schmear

* close CA business to open another, lessons learned

* braid hair like MADONNA @ YSL SEX basel nonsense 

* flirt

* momentum is real, go honey, keep allowing one thing 2 lead 2 another

* oh, & i know what this concept of WHORESEX is now : )

* not sex, but came through sex; last times & this thing i like to do . . .

    * * how to demarcate room4more 

          w/ a line in the s a n d_________

43

🦥

If I was slow to start (headiness, readiness) my the first month out the gate, I am making up for it now. Forgiveness implicit in all directions, as being a human is a whole thing. Like I said, I expected I would bring myself with me, as that's the only 'real' option. I knew I was down and have been. It's hard to see you're not well when you're formulating how to shift the biggest boulder. And solutions will allude you until they don't. So, you lank away in the shadow, or the rare bleachers with shade cover. Team player babes don't actually want to go. Nobody wants to hear about the baseball. It's too much, Meg! Their dad will only want to hear about baseball, all about all the sports. And my fixation is Home, or the running to and from, but I think that's subsiding with maturation — principles + years — and the Maryland of it all.

The keys were right here and I couldn't see them, or couldn't handle seeing them quite yet. Big change happens in increments and I'm sensing critical mass momentum as I get ideas into our 4D material world → out of my 3rd eye.

I have to tell you, the state of Maryland seems very organized. I'd say "just like me" though I knew I had the security deposit box key somewhere, but I couldn't — 

Had to Reschedule my appointment, push it out once and again, gain time to unlock the requisite documentation to show Maryland I am who I say I am. There. The small brown envelope, preprinted: KEYS INSIDE. Top of the paperwork pile brought on the plane, still tucked in the middle pocket of the mini black leather backpack worn on the flight. Nineties round 2 with mini polarized frames and square-toed boots, which I continue to covet in all the colorways. 1 reason to be a designer: You cut yourself whatever you like till it feels easy for you to do you. Ex) Rick & his shorts, twenty pairs in little stacks.... A perk from the constant oversight of a man-made machine.

Four

Three

Two

One

Unlock my box and there's 1/2 the stuff I need to share, old and original. I've gathered the rest from what's arrived in the mail month one. Auto-payments to establish and so much * to streamline. Sometimes this stuff gets me off, but I don't need quick highs at the present.

Okay, this is what I mean by organized: the MD DMV requires no messy logins with passwords you'll never remember and ∴ always be resetting. Tidy unique links you click to Confirm [Reschedule].

I arrive early and see they've texted a link to Confirm my arrival. Click. An immediate invitation to Window 6, which I note because everywhere from the new house is 6 minutes away. Exit the car, round the bend to a pleasant seeming man in purple waving from his window. He will make me look straight at the camera, no slight tilt for masking under-eye circles. Whatever. I leave with a temporary license and actual plates, optically less encumbered by California.

mwj wears Snob and braids with a black cotton tee ! + a bra ! on the tiny pic, in the mail month two.

Iris wears Ag Tags on her nose and rear. Orange with red on dark blue is a bold move, but let's support her choice to roll around declaring:

Our Farms, Our Future

Two Someones want to be shades of setting Sun Ponies

Doing lots of HQ work with clients who love their home and wish to roam. 

    A migrating herd of us

        More Sun Ponies

🎠

🏇

🐎

🐴