10.31

QUAN YIN 

R

U

HO-ME

?

31

FUCKBOI

LovER

Magician

Warrior

King

☉

well, there R various iterations 

of documented archetypes 

of the solar expression

 

a mouthful meaning

how & why men
R

The coyote is a trickster, an adolescent, or trapped there, in adolescence.

Can you even imagine?

I nannied for a family for a few summers. The father was being investigated by the FBI for his role in a banking whistleblower lawsuit. Men in suits patrolling the yard and he's mocking the way his wife eats corn on (off) the cob. The mother believes that men never mentally progress past the age of 14. I told her I feel that way about America. All violence and pussy; violent with pussies.

14

Last spring, we found a very dead and large squirrel in the courtyard. Our investigation led us to believe that a hawk couldn't handle the weight and dropped its prey __splat__

I didn't want to deal with It. Said a gurl dadi prayer and went out. Coming close to home and I see him in my headlights. He sees me too, with the furry pancake hanging from his mouth. Thank You Coyote Trickster. I'll tell the others you killed him all by yourself. Such A Big Boy. Such a good boy wants mama to sit on his face now__

🔓

It’s a different type of settling when It works down to your ankles. That’s when it’s go time __Ready To Go Time__ Got to walk barefoot on the farm, pace the old road corridors to help my animus work his way earth-side. Get him out on this side of the frenetic tangle. He’s one cool cucumber who needed a season longer to ripen past the critical age of 14.

Skunk smell in the air: consistent

    Seeing stars in the sky: new

Solid decade with stars only in the sidewalks, jumping over them, scootering around, headed to and from to the farmer's market on Hollywood and Vine with respect. Our favorite vendor is a Oaxacan woman selling small hand-carved wooden animals. Her family makes and paints them back home. Nicest energy. She brought me back an embroidered dress once. The critters are journeying further__

The internet is up and running. I like renaming the network as a mini life-hack that sets a tone. Was waiting on the router in my car being shipped, and good news everyone... Iris and eero R here: more consistency__

This was William's, the driver's, last cross country drive. He's been a trucker for 17 years and he's only 41. He bought a car dealership in Little Rock, but plans to move it up here. Will specialize in used luxury automobiles. I love cars. I had this on a dating app once, CARS, under interests, and my girlfriend was all like You don't love cars, you love license plates. NOPE I love both. I will learn to drive stick here. Fire a gun here (sorry) and drive stick. My own roads hold the raging.

The new house wants glossy shutters. Dark green or black? Not sure, so not yet. Let's get one winter (again) under our shared belt, house.

How about this instead? I will clear the strange clumpings of junk from your garage, and pull all the weeds from your beds. I already asked the gardener to bury the front drainage pipes — too aggressive for a first impression. Goodness, and seems like years of pine needles in your gutters, and everywhere. Rake it in. Yes, that’s it for now. The gloss will crop up with whatever else is simmering as thoughts form — as thought forms alchemize.

wh●le in the wall

○ MOVE OUT TO MOVE IN ●

 

○ spooky means signs of life lived ●

30

Hump Day school skippers, the boys and I spent 12 hot hours at Disney popping our SoCal pimple. Shouldn't have picked at It but It throbs. A throbbing spot that dares: release me + u want 2. And release feels good 2. To scream. A name. So you squeeze and you have to keep on squeezing. Hands up, screaming, 3 times on the same ride. More keeps coming up. This is why we went there. Pop it, push It, leaning into all that has assaulted my aesthetic et cetera et cetera sensibilities for just about a decade, 10 whole years of my life, one quarter. This, Here, is all my boys know. To them this is The Real World. Extreme wealth normalized. Men acting as deciders. Women wearing someone else's hair, implanted et spandexed, doing the PTA. To please exactly who or whom? Cast Members: what Disney calls their costumed line operators. Cast Members: performing, dividing, conquering, consuming. Divide and conquer roles, like stepmothers with little chalkboards, those single use plastic snacks listed out 🍎 

 Smile :) Every1 is Watching 

I've lived in Los Angeles throughout my 30's. Los Angeles and my 30's are strange realms of Hell interwoven to the point of melding. I'll never know one without knowing the other. Melded, sulfuric, smelling like roasting pain, so I do wonder what drives everyone to keep building on top of the temporal? I tried to sink in. Bought the biggest couches ever. Added big upholstered armchairs; a bigger brick red bed. The movers got the stuff out, just like, It’s no big deal.

I'm camping on the floor for a few days. The futon is fine = good enough; the drawn out goodbye, not so much. I will attend a gothic pagan wedding and then fly through the night 🧹 :)

Still grounded, I place my hands, my forehead, on the walls and I say Thank You. Wrapping up loose ends, knowing that's not true either. Thank You: house, homes, town, people in the town, even mean people super sunk into this town. No plan, but thinking I'll establish my own sink-whole HQ, then dip a toe back in !! 2 choose 4 yourself !! hence why the tastiest spring water is on pause, because I will dip a bachelor toe back in and await the sucking. Or how about, suckling? (We added an L as in Love is...)

Dirty dadi's been in a fiery place, singed by too much sun; by all too many fire drills. Numb to the unchanging tempo set by another. An anxious other, teaching anxiety, or exact-timing-story-telling. Feel into that White Rabbit my sons. 

And I'm tired.

Tired out Here, always moving, forever driving back & forth.

← ???WHAT'S YOUR ETA???? →

Did you know that there are 7 stages in the alchemical process ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

1. Calcination Villa
2. Dissolution Treehouse
3. Separation Castle House
4. Conjunction Nest
5. Fermentation The Foundation
6. Distillation
7. Coagulation

My baby tells me I smell different

       Bountiful, crossing this finish line for the next

Not this year, but next (SEASONS) I'll begin a new tradition of Nocino at the holidays + scented vinegar for washing windows. Let's play out the upcoming step by stepmother metaphors. Let's make use of the green walnuts falling from the black walnut trees, lining the driveway of the farmhouse 👻 while it still stands. Ro really needed to wait in line for the Haunted Mansion, 10 hours deep into that long, hot day. For over 90 minutes, I witnessed the Why prompting the What. I got What you're looking for 🍯

☆ ????WHERE R U GUYS??? ☆☆

In the packing inventory, there were 7 pieces of ceramic yard art * * * * * * *

1. Large eclipse
2. Large sun
3. Large moon
4. Medium sun
5. Medium moon 
6. Small sun
7. Small moon

Small sun and moon (again, 6 & 7 await) were unknowingly glued to the exterior of the house. They were hung up high; earthquakes. I couldn't get them down, nor could my tall brother, and the movers didn't try. Thus 5 were packed and after, the other 2 were coaxed down. The sun lost a ray that I plan to glue on. The sharp ray sliced open my right palm. Don't read into It, but you're right, you know.

The sun and the moon are in the car I once planned to drive over. Turns out, I'm driven out *and* 2 people had bad visions on the same day. William has them, wrapped in bedding, in Iris, in his covered transport, so let's see what happens.

The old grain barn needs a paint job, but just may settle for some crazy glued panache. And a ballet bar — a looooooong 1 —

R.I.☮.J.N.C.

Young John died how many years ago on today's date?
2022 - 1867 = 155

M.D.

Summertime and *we* were demo-ing

when (t)his grave was found on the farm

Hope it's nice to be upright again —

that primo view of where the beehives will 🐝

C.A.

See a different, younger Jo(h)n keel over

in witness to(o) So-Cal-Kool-Aid

My teacher predicts doom over his hard contacts

Every1

Bellcurves and Beehives

take the shape of clawing to coasting

Whistle while you work

Workwear and pompadours coming back online

as we begin again with cotton poplin and shirting stripes

Get down, get down, get down to agribusiness

P.S.

You just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don't need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don't need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

Ooh, slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don't need to be coy, Roy

You just listen to me

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don't need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

29 (not 39)

☎︎

Sunday's fullll moon thru my window was a landline phone home from Spirit. We talked allll night long. Lovers on a marathon call, falling asleep, the matching breathing, cadence, waking up to still there: hi u

Thank goodness Spirit loves unconditionally. I make and break promises and my crew keeps rooting for their home team, no Encino little league dustbowl required. No adults screaming at their hyper-scheduled offspring. Loving ~ knowings ~ floating ~ from out there ~ to down here ~ to us mere mortals ~

Goddesses, gods, guides, and ancestors as angels🪽 thank u for keeping me honest. Mercurial and dark in all this sunshine, busy-busy making room for the honesty to bubble out of the cauldron — a cauldron formed from working around-around-around the real thing that needed to get done. To be done. A decision crystallizes a turning point, a tipping point on the tip-top of the bellcurve. From clawing to coasting in a (much closer to a) New York minute. That's power. 

Deciding is power.

A best girlfriend is a reluctant medium. Fearful, but she's working through it, and good thing, for my (dead) family won't stop pestering her. My father's side keeps telling her to tell me: take the keys

I am! Lots of stuff with keys right now. Bicoastal post office boxes and old home handovers and new homes with new locks, plus farm and barn stuff with padlocks — though any sense of security has to come from within. Ritual helps. I will declare a sacred circle around myself on each leg of the journey, indoctrinated by defensive driving.

Speaking of circles, it wasn't technically a date, but a few weeks ago I went out with a man I used to go on dates with. A designer from Sardinia; insane manners; plates (and cooks) food so beautifully; funny too. He asked if I was in the mood for hidden or a scene. I picked hidden, though when we walked into Hidden, he knew two of the tables. That's the thing about secrets. (They get out.) The out just happens one way or another. You can listen to yourself (be your own (reluctant) medium) and take the keys. You can pull cards, visit with witches, have nightmares and odd rashes for years, fuck jerks. You can stop that. You can intuit impending illness and chart a cross-country course to regenerate farmland and your true well-being.

Ciao Ciao, the table behind us left with a buzzing big charge all around them. He whispered even though they were gone they're having an affaire. So I guess they used to be married to one another, then separated, divorced and started seeing other people, but their sexual obsession won't quit. He was confused about the why because they make each other miserable. Really, he stressed — so miserable.

Well, it's tricky until it isn't, right? In my own getting over It, the understanding is coming in.

The pain we come from *and we all come from pain* intoxicates until we are ready to move away from it. Intoxicating pain, devilishly disguised — wrapped up in all these pretty packages. Wants are not needs, no matter how easy creepy Bezos makes it to confuse the two, while he jets out of here looking for a better that isn't.

The Sardinian and I met up again a few nights ago. He's newly living a mile from friends of mine who are about to get married. I'm styling the bride and needed and wanted to do a full look check, so picked him up, happy to introduce neighbors.

My friend was writing her vows before we arrived, which had her deep in reflection on how they got to this point. She shared it really started with her decision to no longer date based on pathology — pathology being the study of disease causation. 

i.e.

She decided not to let her pain pick.

That same day, in vow crafting of a different sort, I had junk haulers go through the decrepit farmhouse. I'm easing the old gal closer to the relief of demolition. To collective surprise, these haulers discovered an entire unknown room, filled floor to ceiling. Holy crap means cut a $econd check. As I'm not yet on that scene, my (third) cousin swung by the bank, then the house to survey the transformation. While far from broom swept, she lay empty. Just a single photograph left on the floor. A photo of my grandmother, like a sister to my cousin growing up. My cousin says we have eerily similar energy, my grandmother and me.

Weslia, my grandmother

Wishing I remembered her more.
Know I will, in being there. - my grandmother

Still, in the City of Angels, 2021

I asked if the photo was found in the front of the house. I asked this question because a former farmhand told me she's seen the ghosts of the two ladies — Mildred, or Mimi, my great grandmother, and Weslia, Mimi's only child. Saw them standing in the front of the farmhouse. She also fainted once, in the back of the home, and swears my great grandfather Earl caught her. Earl was an undertaker-cum-farmer infamous for smoking a pack a day despite being tethered to an oxygen tank.

Yes, found face up in the front room. And in answering, an old memory was jogged. When cousin Hoppy was a boy on the Eastern Shore, the men would be invited to the dinner table first. Once they ate their fill, the women could join.

Mary-Land Movement, 2022

A flash. Remember heat (rage) between my fifth grade legs learning how a pioneer man would be first to bathe, leaving his leftovers for his wife and children 🥀thx

39 ☉}-,-‘–

HO'OPONOPONOYES

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I L☉VE U

I AM S☉RRY

PLEASE F☉RGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U 

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

I LOVE U

I AM SORRY

PLEASE FORGIVE US

THANK U

☉☉☉☉
☉ ☉ ☉ ☉
☉  ☉  ☉  ☉
☉   ☉  ☉   ☉
☉    ☉  ☉    ☉
☉     ☉  ☉     ☉
☉    ☉  ☉    ☉
 ☉   ☉  ☉   ☉
 ☉ ☉ ☉ ☉
  🍀☉☉☉🍀
   🍀🍀🍀
  🍀
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   🍀
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  🍀🍀
    🍀
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🍀

@}-,-‘–

FRESH START

USE WHAT U GOT*

1SUNRISE DRIVE
@}-,-‘–

LOOK1@}-,-‘–

vintage suede fringe jacket

vintage babydoll nightie

vintage overdyed sweats via SCOUT

KHAITE boots

LOOK2@}-,-‘–

vintage JNY trench w/ wool liner zipped out

Tibetan pashmina as top

x's thrifted denim tailored to my form

5y.o. strappy Manolos

LOOK3@}-,-‘–

vintage yellow skirt suit would steam & will tailor

vintage top

5y.o. strappy Manolos

LOOK4@}-,-‘–

vintage striped tee

gifted vintage tuxedo trousers

KHAITE boots

LOOK5@}-,-‘–

vintage ribbon sweater

vintage 30's dress chopped into a top (not pictured) & skirt

vintage belt

KHAITE boots

LOOK6@}-,-‘–

vintage Anne Klein blazer

Victoria's Secret asymmetrical bodysuit

black Gold Toe dress socks

way old YSL ankle boots w/ semi-fresh laces

LOOK7@}-,-‘–

vintage jacket (u cannot see the cool frog closures)

thrifted fast fashion pants

KHAITE boots (into brown + black)

LOOK8@}-,-‘–

vintage nightie

-over a-

sex shop fishnet catsuit

(2 head out would pair w/ those strappy Manolos + JNY trench)

LOOK9@}-,-‘–

vintage 90's embossed suede blazer

thrifted Morgane Le Fay dress ($8!) 

(not to be confused w/ Morgan le Fay)  

KHAITE boots (so would <3 The Dallas in 3 colorways)

LOOK10@}-,-‘–

vintage fur hat

vintage 80's leather jacket

vintage 501s

KHAITE boots againª

11GOES@}-,-‘–

vintage metal clutch that fits both keys & cell (clutch) 

 

shot by my girl Natalie Stark

against a Laura Ashley sheet 

in my (4 now) courtyard

 

I styled these looks from my closet for an immediate art project (energy mover) and as part of a broader life art project (cycle ender). These were the fit pics for a scheduled studio shoot, but often in getting ready, you are already doing the thing.

Remember that you are deprived of nothing except by your own decisions, and then decide otherwise. 

🂱 A COURSE IN MIRACLES 🃁