72: proof

LR

72

City Keds washed. Walking into town for an ice cream wearing three different shades of what's technically still white. No undies on to dare my late cycle to come. I wear anything around here. That's how I know I'm Home. Within me. Out here. And then there’s my teeth. Shade four. Missed my cleaning on Wilshire, a short walk from Los Angeles home #4: Nest. Boy was the receptionist saucy about it all. Sorry I live in Maryland man. Have referred so many patients to you and it's okay, I’ll find a cleaning over on this coast. Take a big bite. HQ in all the ways. First mammogram in October. Umpteenth pap. Saw a dermatologist today. Systems. Gotta mix in a pedicure. Veggies for the juicer when I pick up a rare Rx. Eggs and english muffins, my staples. Get up and work and then that 11am breakfast sandwich hits the spot. I’ll eat and drink anything but don’t often do prescriptions. Messy violent doctor and nurse ruled the roost but honestly I am over all of that. This year was the year. My year of feeling all my feelings. There will be more and they will be new. Mom and Dad are moving a town over from Easton. New construction on the water. Dad asked me to go take a look at the place, give him my read. I like it. Have ideas. A good house for a dog and a nice neighborhood to start biking again. Work on his gut. Dad's getting a bike and a dog. We'll have this talk, but if he ever hurts that dog, I'll raise a ruckus. Forgive and forget, forgetting just enough not to be an idiot. Our poor dog growing up. All of us, but me and that dog took it hard. Terrified me when I had to take Adley on his walk, b a d Adley, short for Adirondack. He grew more unhinged over the years, and of course he did. When Dad had to put him down, he buried his ashes under a tree in the backyard and drank a bottle of vodka sobbing. Wouldn't come in for dinner. Love is a confounding force of nature that I'll never stop wanting to know more about. An engineer wants to know how everything works. So here. My left hip* has been sore for quite some time. During what’s left of this alchemical sabbatical, I’m aiming to reverse all bodily habits to the other side. The patterns I catch. Hold the phone in my right hand, so holding it in my left. Put the phone in my right back pocket, so in my left. Cross one leg over the other. Wait, no, the other. Things like that. Criss cross apple sauce reversed for eyes closed. That’s how it goes but balance isn’t harmony even though seeking said balance promotes harmonic calibration. Until I loose it days back into the Los Angeles school year. Or I won't. Hand rolls and new ideas. The radio<3 Art theaters with cocktails<3 Spiritual rewrites.

In town to order one scoop of Mocha Toffee Crunch in a cup. Not what I thought I would get. Tricky to not pick the yet unscooped flavor, such a freak like that. Try to look away when they shake the water off the scooper. Sit in the square and write the above. Stroll home to edit my world’s longest manuscript. Class ended a few weeks ago. I was a good gIRL mess and transcribed 19 lectures (2 x 9 + 1 bonus car class) + other odds and ends that I have to deal with now. I’m not awesome at finishing, anything. AND change promotes, provokes, devotes change! This blog made it thru a whole year, most deserving of an imaginary holiday. I roasted beets this afternoon, red and golden with four cloves of smashed garlic and tonight had some of them over good pasta with lots of parsley and a little bit of grated honey gouda. The local grocery store put out all these little tastes of cheese, packaged for sale, portioned for single shoppers. Nice cheeses, imported slivers wrapped for a dollar or two. Precious, so a bit of a random dinner with that cheese, or better yet, cheese with that dinner, but worked. But. I bit the inside of my lip bad. Left some crunch in those roasted beets and walking home I keep sucking on the bite mark. The cold ice cream made it feel better and now I'm sucking the salty blood in my sticky mouth. Makes me conjure dirty thoughts 2. and others, like how honestly amazing it is that anything heals. You’ll have this persistent ache or pain and 1. day you forget about it because it’s not there anymore. The forgetting — or the gone? Chicken or the egg SANDWICH? I'm not yet famous for my breakfast sandwiches. This not yet patented technique of melting salted butter in the cast iron skillet. Split the muffin and crack an egg in between. Cooking create an accordion primed for inserts. Leftover roasted beets, still with some crunch, chew careful. Parsley, avocado, and carrot kimchi. No sheep's milk honey gouda this morning after milk in my twin cappuccinos. And ice cream tonight. I'm a farmer.

Home. Bins in. Hands washed. Pitcher of lemon water. I’m bleeding so it worked. Mom, I'm so sorry, but magic is real. It's hard to be a human and impossible to be a woman (proof: watch Barbie) but I do like my cycle. I like the compassion circles create. I hang up all the clothes that are down after the coming and going from the city. I gambled, washing a dry clean only piece only to loose the bet. I'll still wear it. It being a jacket covered with fish with button eyes. The hot pink trim was the red herring. Scoop of magnesium into the bottom of a fresh glass, pour over the lemon water and chug. Refill. Chug. Refill 4. bedside. Shitter. Have the second tv perched in my bedroom for summer movie nights with the boys and right now realize my go-to hang out position is semi-reclined with my left hip splayed. Jupiter's expansion, legs making the number 4, but shit that's the source of the pain. Le Pendu. Gotta knock that off because this left hip needs a breather or it shall keep shooting pain waves down my left leg. A nuisance on trains and planes. I wake up throughout the night realizing I sleep all left hip open. Have I done this since I was a baby? A declared intent of mine is to partner with a badass body worker when back in Los Angeles. Survival vs. HQ. My body needs way more body work than I give to her. I've been keeping her juiced up though. Another hot party trick is to buy a real watermelon and scoop all the flesh from the rind and blend it with a few ice cubes. Pretty, tasty. sets you right. 

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

Los Angeles is my faithful friend.

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

My body luvs life in Los Angeles!

Serious Synchronicity Smoothes

Shit. I write with my left foot perched up on the chair. Learning to write during pandemic homeschooling all my jeans split under the left cheek and I wasn't sure why just that side when both sides of my bum look proportionate in the mirror. It's so not the same on the other side.

lick

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I think that the word narcissist is greatly overused. I know that there are true narcissists out there but most of us are called that word or use that word as a replacement for being selfish. For Selfishness. And being selfish, what is that? Who gets to draw that line? Because we're here to grow and evolve and to stay in communion and communication with Spirit. We are partnered with Spirit to fulfill our life path. There are human partnerships too, of course, but those are in constant renegotiation. And I understand how that adherence to Spirit versus societal expectation leaves open room to be labeled selfish — as I understand that this is why my children's father and I are soulmates, dancing this o n g o i n g Tango. Because their father values societal expectations. He values himself a very successful person who excels at doing everything that he should do. I don't know what is society versus what is his father's opinion on the should dos, and I certainly didn't understand any of that in my mid-twenties when I made major commitments to him and thus to his family that I couldn't uphold. I don't agree. I don't agree with living my life by their rules. But I don't... Well, I would say that I don't judge his life, but I must and I did and do even though I don't want to. I have respect for his style of living and also for him as a man and his soul. It's just hard for me when he as a man over and over and over again tries to force my hand meaning my existence to comply with his worldview. Then I go into judgment because his truth, as he sees and feels it, is not my truth. He does not respect my truth. He tells me this. He tells me You are a a fraud. That is why we are not married, and likely why I cried all day on our wedding day. I knew, but I didn't yet know I could go and that it would be okay. Our worldviews are not in alignment. I've never thought that the fact that we have two sons means I have to be like him. It means I have to be the most me I can be, even when that's selfish or narcissistic according to him. And I get upset with myself when I lose my calm in my knowing.

🧗

🍄

When I tripped, he was very much in the apocalyptic scene, right beside my narrow worldviewed mother and they really needed me to know what a bad person I am. Bad: That's the word they kept using. They gave me all the reasons that I'm bad and those are the reasons their human selves use to stay good people — to stay in the acceptance. The fervor with which they need to be liked... I've always wished for the two of them to slow down and feel and allow the anxiety to be examined. I've examined a lot of my anxiety this year and I'm super grateful I took the time to do that before my sons and I get much older. It felt like high time to understand as much as I was able to understand over the last November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June — that's eight months.  We're in July now and at the end of June, when I was in a cardio dance class at the YMCA, Spirit said Stop now. Not the cardio dancing, the deep examination. There's climbing and there's calibrating and calibrating is a time of healing and acceptance. It's now time to climb again. All we can do is keep our side of the street clean; garners energy for climbing. Our sides get dirty. It's messy and insular when we calibrate.

When I know where I'm sending my energy and why I'm sending my energy there, it's a lot easier for me to relax into the reveal. It's a lot easier for me to not to take the cheap bait. I don't ask anybody to do it my way. But I've learned this year that I don't need to have anybody's acceptance of my way either. Or their permission. I accept and permit. I understand the way I work and I don't wish to shame It any longer. Shaming our nature is a waste of energy.

I do know that my sons need me to Come back to Los Angeles for this upcoming school year. They told me. The boundaries around that, around my life in Los Angeles and their father's life in Los Angeles, will have to be a lot stronger and I'm the one who will be able to keep those boundaries cleaner. Will require a lot of graceful fortitude, which means that I'm taking care of myself.

Good care of myself.

70

Dear ChatGPT, Why did I have two sons with a narcissist or a man with strong narcissistic tendencies?

<3mwj

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69

Need 2*2 Knows🐬

1.  Can a colonic

make room for a dream lover?

2.  Can a series of colonics

make room for a dream lover?

3.  How do I use a waist trainer

to manifest the perfect lecturing venue?

4.  Are aesthetics and energetics linked?

Read more »

Checked Out

Does the colonic lady use holy water
⁇
Should she

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