Friday, July 14, 2023


I think that the word narcissist is greatly overused. I know that there are true narcissists out there but most of us are called that word or use that word as a replacement for being selfish. For Selfishness. And being selfish, what is that? Who gets to draw that line? Because we're here to grow and evolve and to stay in communion and communication with Spirit. We are partnered with Spirit to fulfill our life path. There are human partnerships too, of course, but those are in constant renegotiation. And I understand how that adherence to Spirit versus societal expectation leaves open room to be labeled selfish — as I understand that this is why my children's father and I are soulmates, dancing this o n g o i n g Tango. Because their father values societal expectations. He values himself a very successful person who excels at doing everything that he should do. I don't know what is society versus what is his father's opinion on the should dos, and I certainly didn't understand any of that in my mid-twenties when I made major commitments to him and thus to his family that I couldn't uphold. I don't agree. I don't agree with living my life by their rules. But I don't... Well, I would say that I don't judge his life, but I must and I did and do even though I don't want to. I have respect for his style of living and also for him as a man and his soul. It's just hard for me when he as a man over and over and over again tries to force my hand meaning my existence to comply with his worldview. Then I go into judgment because his truth, as he sees and feels it, is not my truth. He does not respect my truth. He tells me this. He tells me You are a a fraud. That is why we are not married, and likely why I cried all day on our wedding day. I knew, but I didn't yet know I could go and that it would be okay. Our worldviews are not in alignment. I've never thought that the fact that we have two sons means I have to be like him. It means I have to be the most me I can be, even when that's selfish or narcissistic according to him. And I get upset with myself when I lose my calm in my knowing.
When I tripped, he was very much in the apocalyptic scene, right beside my narrow worldviewed mother and they really needed me to know what a bad person I am. Bad: That's the word they kept using. They gave me all the reasons that I'm bad and those are the reasons their human selves use to stay good people — to stay in the acceptance. The fervor with which they need to be liked... I've always wished for the two of them to slow down and feel and allow the anxiety to be examined. I've examined a lot of my anxiety this year and I'm super grateful I took the time to do that before my sons and I get much older. It felt like high time to understand as much as I was able to understand over the last November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June — that's eight months.  We're in July now and at the end of June, when I was in a cardio dance class at the YMCA, Spirit said Stop now. Not the cardio dancing, the deep examination. There's climbing and there's calibrating and calibrating is a time of healing and acceptance. It's now time to climb again. All we can do is keep our side of the street clean; garners energy for climbing. Our sides get dirty. It's messy and insular when we calibrate.

When I know where I'm sending my energy and why I'm sending my energy there, it's a lot easier for me to relax into the reveal. It's a lot easier for me to not to take the cheap bait. I don't ask anybody to do it my way. But I've learned this year that I don't need to have anybody's acceptance of my way either. Or their permission. I accept and permit. I understand the way I work and I don't wish to shame It any longer. Shaming our nature is a waste of energy.

I do know that my sons need me to Come back to Los Angeles for this upcoming school year. They told me. The boundaries around that, around my life in Los Angeles and their father's life in Los Angeles, will have to be a lot stronger and I'm the one who will be able to keep those boundaries cleaner. Will require a lot of graceful fortitude, which means that I'm taking care of myself.

Good care of myself.

Labels: , ,


At 7/16/2023 9:32 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

At 7/16/2023 9:38 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such beautiful intelligence: “There's climbing and there's calibrating and calibrating is a time of healing and acceptance. And now it's time to climb again. All we can do is keep our side of the street clean. Garners energy for climbing. Our sides get dirty, dirty when we calibrate.”

At 7/18/2023 5:23 PM , Blogger mwj said...

I spoke this and recorded it
AI transcribed the voice memo
and copied & pasted it here ! on my blogspot
couldn't help myself and did a little editing
speaking and writing are different and that's cool
then spoke it again ! on my Sound☁
then edited the text to align with the reading

At 7/19/2023 6:07 AM , Blogger mwj said...

then edited more


Post a Comment


Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home