14

i've long played a game where i tidy in a circuitous fashion patterned after the adage that one thing always leads to another

around & around & the house gets clean
but a clean house never stays that way for long
plus play a game too much & you'll forget that you're supposed to be playing

unconsciousness thrives in repetition -> why change is an opportunity to infuse attention

not cleaning
not drinking
little tummy hanging over my trousers
______________________________
confronting demons, old wounds that came from home 

wounds from the womb are classically un-cleanable,
but manageable, certainly

   

introspective examination scrubs in the space between life's actions

thus the game of late has been not to clean

it's not that i don't want to deal, i do & i am --
in this upside down, the shadows lay on top
    can be pecked + picked apart = examined

keep visualizing a crate of fake ravens 
    got to find a case of fake ravens
        place them throughout the place
            name them my cleaning crew

it always was... so it becomes whatever you call it

calling this a cycle off from performing mom

from the first day of last month's bleed to this month's i did different things

had to ! my body wouldn't work the way it always works (changing)

but don't shit where you eat -- ! vintage for the vintage gods ! -- managed to donate a big bag of great clothes in the chaos of being more, more still, more expectant, practicing a different style of proactivity

!! do different things 4 different results !!